And you say I’M a bad driver?

The road and I are NOT friends. I don’t pretend that eventually it will love me, even if I do find solace with it. Street lights and stop signs do not like me, pot holes always find me, dead ends seem to be everywhere, side mirrors leap out at every turn (I only slightly swipe them), and those yellow lines zig zag on purpose teasing me. It doesn’t take a genius to realize I’m the worst kind of driver. Welllll…. that’s not true… I’m fantastic, assuming of course there are no other cars or silly things like people in my way. But let’s face it, I’m from New York – so that’s wishful thinking. Just like finding a rent controlled apartment on the upper east side or a parking spot in under five minutes near the bars. (I actually ROCK at parking!!) As a matter of fact, I’m actually quite a passive driver and have no issues with it taking me an hour to go only 10 miles. Oh, you wanna pass me? Go right ahead! I see you gunning up behind me – feel free to cut me off, no worries.

I never even had the desire to get a driver’s license, not really. I’m a city gal through and through. This city, for all it’s faults, has a pretty good mass transportation system. Straphangers may complain constantly, but at least it’s 24 hours a day. Whenever I decide to wreck havoc on the lower east side now, I have to run drink in hand to catch the last train north at 2am or troop it out until 5:30. It wasn’t until a couple of years ago when my boyfriend agreed to let me drive us home that I ever even considered learning. That fool. Yea, after only a few blocks me made me pull over and promised I would never touch the steering wheel again until I got my license. Yea, well who’s laughing now?? New York state hands out driver’s licenses like candy!

BUT just because my driving skills are lacking, that is no excuse for other people who have been driving for years. Someone needs to please explain to me why everyone I ride with tries to kill me! I’ve gotten much better about screaming out every time a truck inches towards me, ask my best friend – I’ve given her more than enough heart attacks over the years. I’ve worked it down to quiet gasps during which I seal my eyes shut. (Because we all know that when we close our eyes, it’s like it’s not happening. Think back to your childhood when you hid under the blankets – anything that wanted to kill us was gone instantly.) But I’m not talking about my own freak reactions here. Just over the past two weeks, TWO people have gone down a one way street IN THE WRONG DIRECTION. I mean, do I really annoy people that much that they are willing to risk their own lives to off me?? Don’t answer that! The point being, there has to be some kind of bad driver aura I give out that other people absorb. What other explanation is there that I am constantly watching the headlines of an oncoming car bearing down on the passenger door.

So with that being said, I’m giving fair notice to all Westchester drivers… I fully plan on buying a car this Spring. How else am I going to tame the road? I guarantee you though, we WILL be best friends by summer’s end.

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