My mother

Whether I laugh or cry
I can’t scream here
Near the white light
Life continues to ache and pound
               With drunken sweetness
It ain’t pretty
               Though I try to make it be
What can I do except sit here in affliction
I’m losing
Is it even my fight?
Now hidden from the world
Stained glass broken
Dull, dirty, lifeless
The shattered pieces reflecting me
Though I can’t really see
She speaks and turns away from me
I don’t remember her words
Only the hurt they caused
And the stains they left on my heart
I see her now standing there
But we no longer exist
Except for the scattered and jaded memories
                That make no sense
They mean nothing to her now
Why must they mean something to me?
I am weaker than the powers that bind me
She surpasses it with an ease
                I didn’t know existed
Slipped into a world that I can’t enter
She won’t let me
I understand my place
                Though I cannot accept it
If I leave it alone, she’ll never come back
Should I even let her?
Would she even want to?
I really don’t have a choice
She decided long before I knew I could
It’s a waste of time –
               Having hope in a lost cause
Maybe that’s what keeps me going
All I know is emptiness
(And I don’t want it)

And the fact that you must feel it too


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