Ahh, I’m here. I’ve just been off daydreaming for a couple of weeks, especially today. Wishful thinking even, maybe? Either way, I’m here – I’ve not gone into hiding. Not yet anyway. I think at some point in our lives, we’re all due for a little “running away” action. I don’t think we ever grow up from that notion. I’m not going to pack a teddy bear and join the circus or anything like that – although I’ll admit, that would be pretty damn cool. And I still have trips to the Dominican Republic and the Bahamas to look forward to. No I’m being an adult about things… and focusing my current attentions on the bottle on wine sitting next to my laptop. Don’t worry, I’m only a couple of glasses in… I won’t admit to any more.
No, I’m here and probably not going anywhere for a while. Being an adult does not always afford that kind of luxury I guess. Tonight’s distraction was yoga with a new instructor. I swear that woman has no bones because damn it, the body shouldn’t bend like that! She actually came over to me and guided me into a couple of poses, and I’m proud to report I can do the sarvangasana (shoulder stand) now. Whoo hoo me. YES, whoo hoo me!!
But now I’m home and it’s all too quiet. I’m not sad because it’s Valentine’s Day (yay for you lovers out there!) I just don’t celebrate it anymore. Eight years ago my grandmother passed away on Vday. She was more than my grandmother, she was my mother. She saved me when I needed it the most – quite literally I might add. And on days when I still need saving, she’s the first person I think of. I’m just sad today. I really miss her, I mean that’s all this really is. I wish sometimes that we didn’t cremate her because I just want there to be a place I can go to visit her. A place to lay still while I bullshit with her. I went to church today to light a candle, but it’s not the same.
Missing her is not like missing the other people in my life. I miss people everyday. I wish I wasn’t so busy so I could miss them less. I would hope we all have enough love in our lives that we have people we can miss. I miss my best friend who only lives 30 mins away, but our lives are so hectic that we don’t get to see each other half as much as we should. I miss the first REAL important man in my life – my best guy friend who’s probably in Japan right now or off having some other adventure. He’s the one that shakes the silly notions out of my head and gives it to me straight. Thank God for modern technology because I literally see that man only once every other year. I miss my boys who have become my lifeline. Whoever said men and women can’t be friends without sex complicating it, obviously never experienced an amazing friendship like ours. I miss my girls in a big bad way. We dance into the night without a care in the world and curse anyone who tries to bring us down. I miss the guy I’m kinda, sorta seeing. It may not be some epic love story, but I miss him still the same. But none of that compares to just how much I miss her. My heart literally breaks whenever I think of her. I wish I could remember where I heard this but: missing someone isn’t about how long it has been since you’ve seen them or the amount of time since you’ve talked… It’s about that very moment when you’re doing something and wishing they were right there with you.
Tomorrow will be a better day. And tomorrow I’ll be a much happier person. We’re all allowed these moments, as long as we find a way to bounce back from them. I know even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. But I still have to get through tonight.