Tag Archives: grandma

Where is Mei Mei?

Ahh, I’m here. I’ve just been off daydreaming for a couple of weeks, especially today. Wishful thinking even, maybe? Either way, I’m here – I’ve not gone into hiding. Not yet anyway. I think at some point in our lives, we’re all due for a little “running away” action. I don’t think we ever grow up from that notion. I’m not going to pack a teddy bear and join the circus or anything like that – although I’ll admit, that would be pretty damn cool. And I still have trips to the Dominican Republic and the Bahamas to look forward to. No I’m being an adult about things… and focusing my current attentions on the bottle on wine sitting next to my laptop. Don’t worry, I’m only a couple of glasses in… I won’t admit to any more.

No, I’m here and probably not going anywhere for a while. Being an adult does not always afford that kind of luxury I guess. Tonight’s distraction was yoga with a new instructor. I swear that woman has no bones because damn it, the body shouldn’t bend like that! She actually came over to me and guided me into a couple of poses, and I’m proud to report I can do the sarvangasana (shoulder stand) now. Whoo hoo me. YES, whoo hoo me!!

But now I’m home and it’s all too quiet. I’m not sad because it’s Valentine’s Day (yay for you lovers out there!) I just don’t celebrate it anymore. Eight years ago my grandmother passed away on Vday. She was more than my grandmother, she was my mother. She saved me when I needed it the most – quite literally I might add. And on days when I still need saving, she’s the first person I think of. I’m just sad today. I really miss her, I mean that’s all this really is. I wish sometimes that we didn’t cremate her because I just want there to be a place I can go to visit her. A place to lay still while I bullshit with her. I went to church today to light a candle, but it’s not the same.

Missing her is not like missing the other people in my life. I miss people everyday. I wish I wasn’t so busy so I could miss them less. I would hope we all have enough love in our lives that we have people we can miss. I miss my best friend who only lives 30 mins away, but our lives are so hectic that we don’t get to see each other half as much as we should. I miss the first REAL important man in my life – my best guy friend who’s probably in Japan right now or off having some other adventure. He’s the one that shakes the silly notions out of my head and gives it to me straight. Thank God for modern technology because I literally see that man only once every other year. I miss my boys who have become my lifeline. Whoever said men and women can’t be friends without sex complicating it, obviously never experienced an amazing friendship like ours. I miss my girls in a big bad way. We dance into the night without a care in the world and curse anyone who tries to bring us down. I miss the guy I’m kinda, sorta seeing. It may not be some epic love story, but I miss him still the same. But none of that compares to just how much I miss her. My heart literally breaks whenever I think of her. I wish I could remember where I heard this but: missing someone isn’t about how long it has been since you’ve seen them or the amount of time since you’ve talked… It’s about that very moment when you’re doing something and wishing they were right there with you.

Tomorrow will be a better day. And tomorrow I’ll be a much happier person. We’re all allowed these moments, as long as we find a way to bounce back from them. I know even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. But I still have to get through tonight.

I miss her in forever ways

I started writing this blog for a few reasons. First, it was number 57 on my bucket list and seemed like a fairly easy one to cross off – especially compared to cliff diving and reading Crime and Punishment (numbers 29 and 63). Second, what better way to look back at my life than through a series of silly moments that slowly help define me – to know I didn’t just go through the daily motions; I actually lived my life and have the scars to prove it. But most importantly, I wanted to leave behind a piece of me that maybe most people won’t ever get to see. It’s one thing to recall the silly “Mei Mei Moments” and be able to laugh at myself… but in a way I also wanted to expose myself – even if it wasn’t a funny occasion.

We all have these moments that may very well define us or change the course of our lives altogether. I had my grandmother to get me through those moments. She was more than just a presence in my life, she WAS my life. I drew my strength from her and she did everything in her power to shield me from the horrors of reality. Losing her is still one of those things I haven’t quite found a way to get over yet. Today is her birthday and I’m overwhelmingly depressed that I can’t just curl up into her arms. There’s times I need her in the worst way. I’m reminded of that today…

Another item on my bucket list is to publish something one day. I’m hoping for an epic love story, of course – No inspiration yet, I’ll keep you posted on that one ; ) For now it’s a series of short stories that basically chronicle my biggest heartaches. (A little “woe is me” I know – but it’s when we’re our most honest.) I carry this little green notebook with me everywhere I go and in it I record every and any thought I possess. It’s me at my rawest and I guard it with everything I have. My best friend is the only person to have read it or selected pieces from it anyway. I surprisingly let someone else read something from it very recently. It was quite liberating actually… In a very big way I exposed myself and it gave me a little courage to share an excerpt from one of these stories. It’s about my grandmother:

“Sometimes late at night, I light a candle and lay on the floor. I talk to the flame as it dances. I tell her the things I’m ashamed of, the things I wish so desperately I could change about myself. I tell her how scared I am that my daughter may turn out like me, because sometimes I’m terrified just how horrible that might be. I talk about my other fears, about how alone I feel, about how I don’t want to lose the other people in my life that get me through the day. I tell her how I miss her, how despairingly much I miss her. That my world feels empty without her. And that I fill the void with too many vices. That even when I manage to kick one vice, I trade it with another or even two.I tell her I’m most scared of myself and what I’m capable of. I lay still and quiet for a while and listen hard. I don’t hear anything and it makes me even sadder. When I blow out the candle the smoke always swirls and rises, and I hope my bad thoughts go with it.”

I don’t know if I’ll ever actually publish any of these stories but maybe one day I’ll have the courage to do it. For now I have this blog anyway… and I’m okay with that for now. So I’ll keep writing, and hopefully you’ll keep reading.

RIP Rose Marie Brantman 1/17/29 – 2/12/04 I miss you in forever ways </3