Whether I laugh or cry
I can’t scream here
Near the white light
Life continues to ache and pound
               With drunken sweetness
It ain’t pretty
               Though I try to make it be
What can I do except sit here in affliction
I’m losing
Is it even my fight?
Now hidden from the world
Stained glass broken
Dull, dirty, lifeless
The shattered pieces reflecting me
Though I can’t really see
She speaks and turns away from me
I don’t remember her words
Only the hurt they caused
And the stains they left on my heart
I see her now standing there
But we no longer exist
Except for the scattered and jaded memories
                That make no sense
They mean nothing to her now
Why must they mean something to me?
I am weaker than the powers that bind me
She surpasses it with an ease
                I didn’t know existed
Slipped into a world that I can’t enter
She won’t let me
I understand my place
                Though I cannot accept it
If I leave it alone, she’ll never come back
Should I even let her?
Would she even want to?
I really don’t have a choice
She decided long before I knew I could
It’s a waste of time –
               Having hope in a lost cause
Maybe that’s what keeps me going
All I know is emptiness
(And I don’t want it)

And the fact that you must feel it too

My randomness is a cause of concern
You smile and nod,
but you don't get me
I'm not meant for this
Can't be contained to appease you
A prisoner of your narrow mindedness
Come skip down the street with me
Or dance in the rain
I'd welcome any storm
      if it would wash it all away
Bending spoons is not your thing
I'll always be a tad bit left of center
Does that not fit your world?
I can only be me

I looked again with fresh eyes
                 and wanted so badly to see you
The truth of it shattered my spirit
And again my heart is tired
This addiction to your toxicity
                             is wearing me down
But you are my drug
The only thing I live on
And this suffering, at least, is familiar
I’m more scared of the unknown
Or maybe just life without you
Every breath is music to my ears
                worth the bruises on my heart
Your words flow through me
And each sting erodes me
yet one glance consoles me
Just once more...
             each time – once more
But not an encore of last night
I don’t want those grey skies
I want to be lost in you always
I need to be unburdened by you
I have to be free
I could fall out of love if you let me
How tragic would that be?
            How unforgivingly tragic!
Let me go….

I hate your logic
And the fact that it actually makes sense
Truth is absolute
And so very cruel
It has a thickness that
               lays pregnant all around me
Almost inviting
And completely entrancing
I'm drunk off of you
I can't shake your words
And am desperate to hear more
My comfort. My tragedy.
The silk runs through me
You paint a pretty facade
But I see through it
And still look the other way
For just a minute I forgot everything
I am bound to nothing
Not quite free though
But I try to overlook that too
The moment passes too quickly
And you overwhelm me
I can't remember why I'm running
That charm of yours is a gift
All the lines are hazy
And I'm just too weak to fight
I don't pretend to understand you
Although I try to in vain

The thunder claps
The windowless pane flashing wildly
Framing the chaos of my world
Center stage again
But very much alone
Slide across the fallen dust
The shadows do not dance for me
Not even to the beat of my sobs
Yet there they linger stealing glances
Please don't fade away
But I let you stay too long anyway
Longer than you deserve
I enjoy the comfort of your company
Or the torment of your teasing?
These mind games are always so confusing
I think I like these intricate slices
At least their attention is focused
I ache for the way it burns
The warmness trickles down my arms
In viscous bright streaks
Rebelling against the darkness
If nothing else, at this very moment I'm alive
This reminds me. Taunts me.
My double edge sword
I lust for you
           your power,
           your freedom,
           your judgement
Always the puppetaire
And I always without control

Did you give up on me?
Label me a lost cause and move on?
I’m still here
Fighting, Thrashing, Screaming
Desperate for some kind of relevance
Stupid cupid, what do you know?
What give you the right?
Everything was pretty
                and shone so bright
Illusions and phony reflections
Sliced open from deep rooted bitterness
It’s dripping from my fingertips
Wash it all away
I’ve already buried it
Along with unwilling parts of me
But yes, I’m still here
Crooked halo and all
Bandaged , but not broken
A beautiful disaster
Sitting under a weeping willow
Only his branches understand me
The still air is suffocating
Robbing me of my tears
Must everything be taken away??
Patience, patience. Oh, how I learned it
You don’t know just how long
              I’ve been counting the days
When you were stolen from me
And until I can have you again
My heart is big enough
I’m ready to love again

I look at your life and I see who you are
The triumphs you claim are nothing more than meaningless trophies
That you too proudly display
They're starting to dull
Maybe you'll see it too
But you're naive in this way, so I know you won't
My head remains high
I won't be infected by you
Or your words
What used to sting can touch me no longer
I looked past those shallow eyes
And tried to understand your clouded soul
Not everyone can be saved
You're simply okay with the status quo
I can accept that now
Dig a little deeper and break free
But understand something:
I don't hate you...
                   I pity you

I thought those were my eyes
But at second glance I can’t seem to recognize
They stare at me intently
And as hard as I try
I simply can’t turn away
Tricky, tricky mirror
What have you done to me?
The candle’s flickering light
                   Makes the shadows dance
This girl is staring at me
She’s fighting so hard to get out

This morning was the same as last
The routine has not been broken
But something’s just not clicking
And I feel like I’m disappearing

Breaking free and running wild
She will not hide
I may not want her to
This raw awakening is uncontrollable
I’m lost in its lust
I love this temptation
I won’t let it go
I think it’s time to embrace it

These thoughts are never ending
Intrusive and rude
They speak to me in volumes
And I, unable to control them, am left to endure
It's like a slow ticking
. . .
no mater how far I run
Still, it follow
This taunting becomes a game
And I'm losing
Losing control
Losing what little insight I gained

And without notice I fall
Trapped in these thoughts
Thoughts that start making sense

I have long prayed for strength
Expectant of what was to come
And even with time I wasn't ready
It's hard to fight your demons
When you can't find a way to let them go

Around me they swim
Til I can't take anymore
I'll play your little game for now

I walk alone
Through hallways that were once filled with light
But now are still and silent
Breaths are quick and many
Tears break free to run their course
The only symbol of my life
But they too are slowly draining
                                 slowly fading
They will leave me too
Faithfulness regarded. Loyalty forgotten.
Long endless hallway
                    you engulfed me
You’ve stolen me
Freedom torn from me
                     hid me away
Feelings, emotions trapped within you
You control me
Everything about me, strangled and smothered
Took away all that was anything to me
And for what, I pray?
                     I am still alone
Leave me too
What is left to endure but
the stinging strikes of hate
              and misguided love?
I knew no better than to fall for you
I know no better still
The quietness bring about ironic serenity
In contradiction to all intended
Out of place
            and much too late
Attempts failing
Now guided by chance and luck
But not much hope
Beliefs of a lost cause - -
The distraction
All is gone again
            holes dug deeper
                      to the very core of my soul
Each tear transforming me
                         until I am no more
Long hallway you have failed me
Lost me in your battle
Your promises of light left undelivered
I am no more
All is forgotten by dawning of light
Too late to help survive or revive
I am gone, lost
Long lost light reborn,
                with blinding brightness
Reclaim your lost child
Finally released and in search of you
Leave me not to dwell in tiny corners
Blending in with the darkness
Find me
       let me live again