Your letter

Written words cut deeper
Their knives are dipped in venom
Laced with hate and intent
The attack carefully considered
Consequences weighted
Are utterances more easily forgiven?
They're both still thoughts
They're there
"I wish I never gave birth to you"
Well, there you have it
When compared to your pedophile son,
          I still come up last
I must be evil
My inception dreams tell me so
I see him lurking in corners
                     beckoning to me
Do you see something I do not?
I continue on licking the wounds you keep opening
Cursing your words
You relish in my actions don't you?
Is my unhappiness your only victory?
How could you possibly enjoy this
I continue to sink lower
Trapped in my own thoughts
If there are shadows, shouldn't there be light?

Enjoy! Love, your neighborhood… Cupcake Lady!?!

Last year I decided I wanted to bake more. And why not? It’s the ultimate “mommy label.” (Of course we can never forget all the other random acts of kindness that make us awesome mommies, ie: scooping their favorite hair tie out of the toilet {eww, I know}, surprise mini vacations, tracking down all the books in the Junie B series, playing yet another round of Guess Who?, harassing the entire online shopping community for Beanie Buddies to find yet another Suzie Bear, etc., etc., etc.) But yes, I wanted to be a baker and bring yummy goodies to all my friends and family. And not just baking from the Betty Crocker cake mix either! So I started baking and making random desserts – cookies, cakes, pies, cupcakes, cornbread, truffles… I tried a little bit of everything. (Okay, okay, maybe SOME of those desserts Betty helped with – I’m a busy woman!) BUT I must admit I became a little majorly obsessed with cupcakes. Martha Stewart gets a MAJOR shout out here because all my lip-smacking, well received cupcakes came from her recipes. My favorites would be the carrot cake cupcakes and the s’more cupcakes.

You would think I’d be super happy to hear that people LOVE my cupcakes. But it turns out I’m officially committed to every major holiday, event and gathering for the rest of my life to bake RED VELVET CUPCAKES!! This week alone I’m baking them for two different events. (I will be attempting this while juggling a corporate finance textbook and Aimee talking my ear off like the mini me she is. *sigh*) Even my own family almost ushered me out the door this past Easter when I showed up with apple pie and not those dang red cakes. I sincerely believe if I show up to the next thing we have without it, I may just be banned forever.

ANYWAY, imagine my surprise the other day when a counselor at my daughter’s school asked me if I’d like to contribute something to their “Lights out something or other, whatever Dinner.” So the scenario went a little something like this. And yes, this is MY version of the truth, so of course I’m paraphrasing, but it pretty much went down like this:

Counselor: Would you like to sign up to bring something?
Me: Sure!
Aimee: My mom makes THE BEST cupcakes!
Counselor: Great! The kids love cupcakes.
Aimee: Yea, mommy brought red velvet the last time!
Counselor: YOU made the red velvet cupcakes? *grabs the signup sheet*
Me: Well, I can make something else this time. How about cooki-
Counselor: Red velvet sounds great!
Me: Or maybe some brown-
Counselor: Red velvet cupcakes!
Me: Red velvet cupcakes?
Counselor: Well, if that’s what you want to make

I then reach for the signup sheet and *GASP*, no need to write anything because magically there I am with red velvet cupcakes.
So to everyone who gets to eat one of those cupcakes this week: Enjoy! Love, your neighborhood cupcake lady!

Freedom

I didn't think of you at all today
I didn't have to catch my breathe
Or stop myself from crying
My world didn't stop
And the sky didn't open up
Today wasn't the first
Just the first I noticed
You're not the one I'd call if it all fell apart
You don't hear about my day
Or know what makes me mad
You wouldn't even know how to make it better
I guess I just don't need you anymore
I don't know when,
but somehow I stopped loving you
My heart doesn't ache anymore
There is no longing
No reaching out to an empty space
I'm not bitter or angry about it
More shocked at my indifference
You called today and I didn't pick up
I'm a little too nonchalant for this
They told me I'd laugh one day
That I'd live again
I'm no longer broken
I'm elated....
       I'm free.....
               I can finally be me

A “near death” experience?? Or just another Mei Mei moment?

So the other night I caught on fire. But we’ll get to that later…

My “near brush with death” (yes, I’m THAT dramatic) has made me ponder where I’m currently at in my life. You all know what I’m talking about – the point when you sit in a room by yourself and a glass bottle of wine and have a woe-is-me kind of moment. You think of the good ol’ days when you didn’t have a care in the world and the hardest part of your day was deciding what outfit to wear. Yea, one of those moments.

So anyway, I’m 28 years old and have yet to accomplish half the things I wanted to at this point. This is not to say I’m not happy, I mean my life IS pretty awesome after all. ; ) But this is not what I envisioned for myself. Do we ever end up where we thought we would? Hardly ever. But most of us ignore the ride along the way because we’re too damned concerned about where we’re going. I decided to STOP having a nervous breakdown every time I get another statement about my student loans or see an episode of Bridezillas. What did I decide to do instead you ask? Why, write a blog of course! I mean, why not? My best friend always says my life is like a novella anyway. (When she makes millions off of my life story, I’ll be living in the west wing.)

Oh… you want to hear about the fire story then? Well, first I’d like to point out: who the hell uses real candles in a bar anyway? I mean REALLY – you know there’s nothing but drunk silly people walking around. AKA May Ling! Simply put, while trying to whisper seductively into the bartenders ear order my vanilla vodka and diet coke, my super long hair swept over an open flame. But ahhh, like a good friend, my drinking buddy came to my rescue… and slapped me on the side of my head. I survived obviously and the only damage done was to my poor ends and my ego as a group of guys watched and did nothing. So the end result was nothing more than my current vendetta with candles and a new purpose in life.

So I’m writing down all my randomness while I continue on a journey to some unknown place. Not original, I know. But this is still me. = ) And you’re invited along for the ride and to experience some more Mei Mei moments.

My mother

Whether I laugh or cry
I can’t scream here
Near the white light
Life continues to ache and pound
               With drunken sweetness
It ain’t pretty
               Though I try to make it be
What can I do except sit here in affliction
I’m losing
Is it even my fight?
Now hidden from the world
Stained glass broken
Dull, dirty, lifeless
The shattered pieces reflecting me
Though I can’t really see
She speaks and turns away from me
I don’t remember her words
Only the hurt they caused
And the stains they left on my heart
I see her now standing there
But we no longer exist
Except for the scattered and jaded memories
                That make no sense
They mean nothing to her now
Why must they mean something to me?
I am weaker than the powers that bind me
She surpasses it with an ease
                I didn’t know existed
Slipped into a world that I can’t enter
She won’t let me
I understand my place
                Though I cannot accept it
If I leave it alone, she’ll never come back
Should I even let her?
Would she even want to?
I really don’t have a choice
She decided long before I knew I could
It’s a waste of time –
               Having hope in a lost cause
Maybe that’s what keeps me going
All I know is emptiness
(And I don’t want it)

And the fact that you must feel it too

 

Quirky me

My randomness is a cause of concern
You smile and nod,
but you don't get me
I'm not meant for this
Can't be contained to appease you
A prisoner of your narrow mindedness
Come skip down the street with me
Or dance in the rain
I'd welcome any storm
      if it would wash it all away
Bending spoons is not your thing
I'll always be a tad bit left of center
Does that not fit your world?
I can only be me

Let me go

I looked again with fresh eyes
                 and wanted so badly to see you
The truth of it shattered my spirit
And again my heart is tired
This addiction to your toxicity
                             is wearing me down
But you are my drug
The only thing I live on
And this suffering, at least, is familiar
I’m more scared of the unknown
Or maybe just life without you
Every breath is music to my ears
                worth the bruises on my heart
Your words flow through me
And each sting erodes me
yet one glance consoles me
Just once more...
             each time – once more
But not an encore of last night
I don’t want those grey skies
I want to be lost in you always
I need to be unburdened by you
I have to be free
I could fall out of love if you let me
How tragic would that be?
            How unforgivingly tragic!
Let me go….

I’ll pretend you didn’t say that

I hate your logic
And the fact that it actually makes sense
Truth is absolute
And so very cruel
It has a thickness that
               lays pregnant all around me
Almost inviting
And completely entrancing
I'm drunk off of you
I can't shake your words
And am desperate to hear more
My comfort. My tragedy.
The silk runs through me
You paint a pretty facade
But I see through it
And still look the other way
For just a minute I forgot everything
I am bound to nothing
Not quite free though
But I try to overlook that too
The moment passes too quickly
And you overwhelm me
I can't remember why I'm running
That charm of yours is a gift
All the lines are hazy
And I'm just too weak to fight
I don't pretend to understand you
Although I try to in vain

Audience

The thunder claps
The windowless pane flashing wildly
Framing the chaos of my world
Center stage again
But very much alone
Slide across the fallen dust
The shadows do not dance for me
Not even to the beat of my sobs
Yet there they linger stealing glances
Please don't fade away
But I let you stay too long anyway
Longer than you deserve
I enjoy the comfort of your company
Or the torment of your teasing?
These mind games are always so confusing
I think I like these intricate slices
At least their attention is focused
I ache for the way it burns
The warmness trickles down my arms
In viscous bright streaks
Rebelling against the darkness
If nothing else, at this very moment I'm alive
This reminds me. Taunts me.
My double edge sword
I lust for you
           your power,
           your freedom,
           your judgement
Always the puppetaire
And I always without control

Cupid

Did you give up on me?
Label me a lost cause and move on?
I’m still here
Fighting, Thrashing, Screaming
Desperate for some kind of relevance
Stupid cupid, what do you know?
What give you the right?
Everything was pretty
                and shone so bright
Illusions and phony reflections
Sliced open from deep rooted bitterness
It’s dripping from my fingertips
Wash it all away
I’ve already buried it
Along with unwilling parts of me
But yes, I’m still here
Crooked halo and all
Bandaged , but not broken
A beautiful disaster
Sitting under a weeping willow
Only his branches understand me
The still air is suffocating
Robbing me of my tears
Must everything be taken away??
Patience, patience. Oh, how I learned it
You don’t know just how long
              I’ve been counting the days
When you were stolen from me
And until I can have you again
My heart is big enough
I’m ready to love again
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