I’ve been rather nostalgic and reminiscent this week – losing something close to your heart has that effect on you. It makes you think of everything you have and don’t have anymore. You get a sense of longing, as though you need to fill some empty space.
I broke out the yearbook and photo albums and just flipped through, thinking back to some of the best times of my life… and of course the most heartbreaking ones. I came across this one photo though that really caught my attention. In it I’m laughing, just with my friends doing nothing too special. But in the background is someone who is just watching our group. I don’t mean in a creeper kind of way – It’s almost like he’s just curious or something. Like he’s wondering what’s so funny. Anyway, I don’t recognize him at all. It makes me wonder how many people out there right now thinking of someone, and maybe that person doesn’t even know it.
Sometimes we’re so caught up in our own stuff that we just don’t look around. Someone could be in love with you right now, or appreciate you because you changed their lives, or maybe is envious of you. Everyday we meet someone new, but we decide if that person will somehow become part of our lives – or just a background image in a photo. It’s pure chance the people that enter our lives and the choices me make determine how big a role they will play. I’ve made some pretty shit head choices for sure, but I also made some AMAZING ones as well. I can never get over how truly blessed I am to have my small circle. Even in my deepest depression or darkest hour, they know how to pull me out. They erase the memory of the sucky choices, or at least the pain of it.
We all have people from our past that find a way to resurface in our minds every so often. And with them come bittersweet memories, anger or even hope. The only thing that really bums me out is thinking of the people that touched my world so briefly that I’ll probably never have anything to do with again. Not everyone is meant to stay in your life. They have their purpose, even if it’s not the same as our original intentions. I try not to regret any of my choices because they slowly define me. They teach me to be the kind of person I want to become or about creating the kind of love that’ll make it all worth it. We all hope though that the people we think of are thinking of us too
Ahh, I’m here. I’ve just been off daydreaming for a couple of weeks, especially today. Wishful thinking even, maybe? Either way, I’m here – I’ve not gone into hiding. Not yet anyway. I think at some point in our lives, we’re all due for a little “running away” action. I don’t think we ever grow up from that notion. I’m not going to pack a teddy bear and join the circus or anything like that – although I’ll admit, that would be pretty damn cool. And I still have trips to the Dominican Republic and the Bahamas to look forward to. No I’m being an adult about things… and focusing my current attentions on the bottle on wine sitting next to my laptop. Don’t worry, I’m only a couple of glasses in… I won’t admit to any more.
No, I’m here and probably not going anywhere for a while. Being an adult does not always afford that kind of luxury I guess. Tonight’s distraction was yoga with a new instructor. I swear that woman has no bones because damn it, the body shouldn’t bend like that! She actually came over to me and guided me into a couple of poses, and I’m proud to report I can do the sarvangasana (shoulder stand) now. Whoo hoo me. YES, whoo hoo me!!
But now I’m home and it’s all too quiet. I’m not sad because it’s Valentine’s Day (yay for you lovers out there!) I just don’t celebrate it anymore. Eight years ago my grandmother passed away on Vday. She was more than my grandmother, she was my mother. She saved me when I needed it the most – quite literally I might add. And on days when I still need saving, she’s the first person I think of. I’m just sad today. I really miss her, I mean that’s all this really is. I wish sometimes that we didn’t cremate her because I just want there to be a place I can go to visit her. A place to lay still while I bullshit with her. I went to church today to light a candle, but it’s not the same.
Missing her is not like missing the other people in my life. I miss people everyday. I wish I wasn’t so busy so I could miss them less. I would hope we all have enough love in our lives that we have people we can miss. I miss my best friend who only lives 30 mins away, but our lives are so hectic that we don’t get to see each other half as much as we should. I miss the first REAL important man in my life – my best guy friend who’s probably in Japan right now or off having some other adventure. He’s the one that shakes the silly notions out of my head and gives it to me straight. Thank God for modern technology because I literally see that man only once every other year. I miss my boys who have become my lifeline. Whoever said men and women can’t be friends without sex complicating it, obviously never experienced an amazing friendship like ours. I miss my girls in a big bad way. We dance into the night without a care in the world and curse anyone who tries to bring us down. I miss the guy I’m kinda, sorta seeing. It may not be some epic love story, but I miss him still the same. But none of that compares to just how much I miss her. My heart literally breaks whenever I think of her. I wish I could remember where I heard this but: missing someone isn’t about how long it has been since you’ve seen them or the amount of time since you’ve talked… It’s about that very moment when you’re doing something and wishing they were right there with you.
Tomorrow will be a better day. And tomorrow I’ll be a much happier person. We’re all allowed these moments, as long as we find a way to bounce back from them. I know even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. But I still have to get through tonight.
The road and I are NOT friends. I don’t pretend that eventually it will love me, even if I do find solace with it. Street lights and stop signs do not like me, pot holes always find me, dead ends seem to be everywhere, side mirrors leap out at every turn (I only slightly swipe them), and those yellow lines zig zag on purpose teasing me. It doesn’t take a genius to realize I’m the worst kind of driver. Welllll…. that’s not true… I’m fantastic, assuming of course there are no other cars or silly things like people in my way. But let’s face it, I’m from New York – so that’s wishful thinking. Just like finding a rent controlled apartment on the upper east side or a parking spot in under five minutes near the bars. (I actually ROCK at parking!!) As a matter of fact, I’m actually quite a passive driver and have no issues with it taking me an hour to go only 10 miles. Oh, you wanna pass me? Go right ahead! I see you gunning up behind me – feel free to cut me off, no worries.
I never even had the desire to get a driver’s license, not really. I’m a city gal through and through. This city, for all it’s faults, has a pretty good mass transportation system. Straphangers may complain constantly, but at least it’s 24 hours a day. Whenever I decide to wreck havoc on the lower east side now, I have to run drink in hand to catch the last train north at 2am or troop it out until 5:30. It wasn’t until a couple of years ago when my boyfriend agreed to let me drive us home that I ever even considered learning. That fool. Yea, after only a few blocks me made me pull over and promised I would never touch the steering wheel again until I got my license. Yea, well who’s laughing now?? New York state hands out driver’s licenses like candy!
BUT just because my driving skills are lacking, that is no excuse for other people who have been driving for years. Someone needs to please explain to me why everyone I ride with tries to kill me! I’ve gotten much better about screaming out every time a truck inches towards me, ask my best friend – I’ve given her more than enough heart attacks over the years. I’ve worked it down to quiet gasps during which I seal my eyes shut. (Because we all know that when we close our eyes, it’s like it’s not happening. Think back to your childhood when you hid under the blankets – anything that wanted to kill us was gone instantly.) But I’m not talking about my own freak reactions here. Just over the past two weeks, TWO people have gone down a one way street IN THE WRONG DIRECTION. I mean, do I really annoy people that much that they are willing to risk their own lives to off me?? Don’t answer that! The point being, there has to be some kind of bad driver aura I give out that other people absorb. What other explanation is there that I am constantly watching the headlines of an oncoming car bearing down on the passenger door.
So with that being said, I’m giving fair notice to all Westchester drivers… I fully plan on buying a car this Spring. How else am I going to tame the road? I guarantee you though, we WILL be best friends by summer’s end.
Broken wings hold me prisoner
My heart throbs with fiery need
Your voice melts away cloudy skies
I drink in your poison
But wake surrounded by darkness
Kisses linger on my lips
And I think I am at peace
It is a brilliant lie
How this secret devours me
I let it steal my breath like a fool
In hopes I will be whole
I worry I may never heal
To say I’m quirky would be an understatement I’m quite sure! I’m very much aware of how left of center I am and, for the most part, am quick to accept that and move on. Others may need a second look and warm up to my randomness. Who wants to be ordinary anyway? What’s so special about that??
Genes are a strong thing indeed because my baby girl is a carbon copy of me in almost every way. I’m not too sure how the rest of the world feels about there being two of me running around, but I think you’re all pretty damn lucky! I quite often joke it’s her father’s curse – to never REALLY be rid of me completely : ) He’ll be fine, don’t feel that bad for him!!
But my daughter definitely embodies the “Mei Mei moment” mentality. Even in her dreams… lol. I normally catch her sneaking in and out of my bed at night and let her think I’m none the wiser. Last night though she was curled right up under my armpit. We laid quite contently this way all night. (On another completely separate note, I think she senses when I’m at my lowest emotionally because she was there right when I needed her last night. How can I ever stay blue too long when the gorgeous one is there to pick me up??)
When we woke up I asked her why she came to my bed. She told me “I had a nightmare about a rag.” Of course confused, I asked “A rat?” “No a rag, mommy.” Well who wouldn’t be confused about this? So I asked her to tell me more about her dream. Basically the story goes as such:
“I had a nightmare about a rag. It was just there, like a ghost. I knew it would attack me, so I had to attack it first. But when I went to attack it, it attacked me! I ran outta there!!”
This may not seem like some big hilarity of the week to you… but come on, kitchen rags that attack?? And my baby girl being so brave to thwart it’s evil plans with a preemptive strike? Hearing this story, in her super sleepy voice with her wide eyes totally made my morning.
I love that she’s like me. As stated just the other day, I’m on my way to being a better me and if she takes away only the best of me… imagine just how awesome she’ll be!! Sometimes it freaks me out to no end, but I want to believe that it’s a beautiful thing. And at least now I know when I go for a drink in the middle of the night, she’s got my back ; )
I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not who I thought I’d be. Nothing about my life is how I envisioned it when I was younger. To say I was (am??) a nerd is an understatement to the extreme. I literally had my entire future mapped out, probably from infancy lol. I was an overachiever and always expected to excel at anything I tried – and normally did. Somewhere along the way though, I went astray and it all went downhill.
If any of us were to examine our dreams and ambitions from when we were kids, we’d realize none of it came true the way we wanted it to. I mean if I ended up with the job I wanted since I was a kid, I’d be a princess or marine biologist right now. It’s not to say that these dreams aren’t achievable, I just think all those hard knocks I got in my life made me more of a realist these days. Maybe too much??
I struggle on a daily basis to be a better person than I was the day before and almost always at the end of the day I realize I failed miserably at accomplishing that. I’m not being too hard on myself… I know I could do more. I keep asking myself “Am I the kind of person I want my daughter to be?” The answer is not yet… not yet. *sigh*
Maybe I’m just sad today, maybe I only see the glass as half empty today. Maybe I do a better job of beating myself up than others ever could. And believe me… I’ve had my fair share of ego killers and heartbreaking let downs. I do know I want to be a better person and that I’m capable of that. I probably just need to stop thinking about it and do it already. I need to stop confessing my damn sins just to commit the same ones again a week later. I need to stop accepting the circumstances of life. I need to set this freaking bar higher than I have been – higher standards for myself, from others, from life. I should expect more, want MORE. And not feel like I’m being selfish about it. Stop feeling guilty that I believe I deserve more. Especially when it comes to the choices I make in my love life. God, especially THAT. But this rant is not just about a bruised heart. It’s about ALL the relationships in my life. This is about that and all the pieces of me – the parts I hate, the parts I love; the parts that bind me, the parts that attempt to set me free; the parts I know are toxic and the parts that very well may save me from myself.
At what point in our lives did we suddenly decide it’s over anyway?? It’s like I’ve given up or settled. I’m 20 effing 8 years old. My life is far from over – so why am I mourning it’s death already? I value myself so much more than I show to the world. I keep so much of me hidden. And if I can’t project a person worthy of love or respect, who’s going to give it to me? Who’s going to know it’s what I deserve? The whole little pity party thing is way played out and I decided I’m not attending that soiree anymore.
This is a big year for me – so many exciting things are happening. (And don’t worry I’ll share those incredible moments with you as they do.) The first being: Friday is the first day of my last semester in college. Ahhhhh, I know! So long overdue, but it’s here. Imagine me: no longer the “professional student” ; ) That’s only the beginning of my soon to be awesomeness – so definitely stay tuned. So with that being said, Friday is pretty much the first day of the rest of my life! Like I said before, I’m not who I thought I’d be… but I’m soooooooo on my way to being a better me.
So my last post was kind of a downer I know… but sadness reminds us of all the awesome things we have. I get my moments just like everyone else when the sky opens up and pours down. Well… I’m dancing through this storm and decided I just can’t dwell on things that won’t change. So, let’s put all that in a bubble and blow! Woooooosh!
I also mentioned in my last post some of the things on my bucket list. WELLLLLLL why not share that list and update you with cross offs?? Sounds like fun to me! The list is pretty long and it’s going to take forever and a day to finish, but that’s what’s the point of life otherwise?? So of 110 items, I’ve managed to cross of 17. My goal this year is to cross off another 10 – the ones I’m considering this year I’ve bolded.
So here’s the list:
1. Live in a foreign country
2. Visit 6 of the 7 continents
3. See the Mona Lisa at the Louvre
4. See Rome – all of it
5. Visit the Egyptian Museum in Cairo
6. See the Christ Redeemer in Brazil
7. Visit the village where my mom was born
8. Go to Carnival
9. Visit a castle in Ireland
10. Gamble in Vegas
11. Go on safari
12. Go to a film festival
13. Attend a winter or summer Olympics
14. Be in two places at once
15. Go to a wedding abroad
16. Have a road trip
17. Go scuba diving
18. Go sailing
19. Go white water rafting
20. Go surfing
21. Swim with the dolphins
22. Ride a zip line
23. Go rock climbing
24. Ride in a hot air balloon
25. Bungee jump
26. Jump out of a plane
27. Jump off a cliff
28. Ride in a race car
29. Ride a motorcycle
30. Ride in a helicopter
31. Audition for something just because
32. Shoot a gun
33. Buy a random pair of tickets at an airport
34. Throw a dart at a map – visit where it lands
35. Finally learn Spanish!
36. Graduate from college
37. Take a photography class
38. Graduate with a Master’s degree
39. Be fluent in at least two foreign languages
40. Learn how to REALLY salsa dance
41. Learn to play the guitar
42. Learn to play poker (and be good at it)
43. Buy a car
44. Own my first car
45. Create a trust fund for Aimee
46. Save $100,000
47. Save $500,000
48. Start a non profit organization
49. Sponsor a charity
50. Make a loan on kiva.com
51. Own a dog
52. Own a home
53. Get my driver’s permit
54. Get my driver’s license
55. Publish something
56. Create my own website
57. Start a blog
58. Make a documentary
59. Write a children’s book
60. Run a half marathon
61. Run a marathon
62. Quit smoking
63. Read Crime and Punishment
64. Read War and Peace
65. Break a world record
66. Conquer my fear of closets
67. Compose/write a song
68. Write my memoirs
69. Have a friend for at least 20 years
70. Be the Maid of Honor at least once
71. Be someone’s Godmother
72. Fall in love
73. Fall in love again
74. Get married
75. Celebrate my 25th wedding anniversary
76. Start a tradition
77. Have a huge 30th birthday party
78. Attach a lock on a love bridge
79. Find a way to reconcile with my mother
80. Find and get to know my half sister
81. Find and get to know my half brother
82. Host a family reunion
83. See Aimee get married
84. Write Aimee a letter for when she’s older
85. Slap someone in the face and really mean it
86. Watch a sunset and a sunrise on the beach
87. Witness a miracle
88. Plant a tree
89. Skinny dip
90. Be an extra in a movie
91. Make a time capsule and bury it somewhere
92. Go to an NFL football game
93. Laugh until I cry
94. Go fishing – bait my own line, catch the fish and eat it!
95. Go on a blind date
96. Name a star
97. Have sex in a public place
98. Get a tattoo
99. Dance in the rain
100. Kiss in the rain
101. Send a message in a bottle
102. Make a difference in someone’s life
103. Inspire someone
104. Learn to forgive
105. Go to a concert
106. Lose 50 pounds
107. Be in a protest
108. Build a giant sand castle
109. Find a four lead clover
110. Save a human life
I challenge you to create a list and just get out there and live your life!! I’ll update you as I go because I know many of these will inspire some major Mei Mei Moments and isn’t that the whole point? 😉
I don't want this feeling anymore
I want it buried deep again
I can be me with you
And fly free
Until morning comes
And your need to flee
I just want to keep being me
And have that be enough for you
Why can't that be enough for you?
I almost had you
You were mine for a short whole
But not really
No, not really
I can smile and say it's okay
While my heart shatters
Just hold me a little longer
And tell me anything to calm my fears
It does't have to be true
Just enough to get me through
You were just here
But my hand is empty now
And my head is so full
I torment myself without your help
You'll never really know how much it hurts
I started writing this blog for a few reasons. First, it was number 57 on my bucket list and seemed like a fairly easy one to cross off – especially compared to cliff diving and reading Crime and Punishment (numbers 29 and 63). Second, what better way to look back at my life than through a series of silly moments that slowly help define me – to know I didn’t just go through the daily motions; I actually lived my life and have the scars to prove it. But most importantly, I wanted to leave behind a piece of me that maybe most people won’t ever get to see. It’s one thing to recall the silly “Mei Mei Moments” and be able to laugh at myself… but in a way I also wanted to expose myself – even if it wasn’t a funny occasion.
We all have these moments that may very well define us or change the course of our lives altogether. I had my grandmother to get me through those moments. She was more than just a presence in my life, she WAS my life. I drew my strength from her and she did everything in her power to shield me from the horrors of reality. Losing her is still one of those things I haven’t quite found a way to get over yet. Today is her birthday and I’m overwhelmingly depressed that I can’t just curl up into her arms. There’s times I need her in the worst way. I’m reminded of that today…
Another item on my bucket list is to publish something one day. I’m hoping for an epic love story, of course – No inspiration yet, I’ll keep you posted on that one ; ) For now it’s a series of short stories that basically chronicle my biggest heartaches. (A little “woe is me” I know – but it’s when we’re our most honest.) I carry this little green notebook with me everywhere I go and in it I record every and any thought I possess. It’s me at my rawest and I guard it with everything I have. My best friend is the only person to have read it or selected pieces from it anyway. I surprisingly let someone else read something from it very recently. It was quite liberating actually… In a very big way I exposed myself and it gave me a little courage to share an excerpt from one of these stories. It’s about my grandmother:
“Sometimes late at night, I light a candle and lay on the floor. I talk to the flame as it dances. I tell her the things I’m ashamed of, the things I wish so desperately I could change about myself. I tell her how scared I am that my daughter may turn out like me, because sometimes I’m terrified just how horrible that might be. I talk about my other fears, about how alone I feel, about how I don’t want to lose the other people in my life that get me through the day. I tell her how I miss her, how despairingly much I miss her. That my world feels empty without her. And that I fill the void with too many vices. That even when I manage to kick one vice, I trade it with another or even two.I tell her I’m most scared of myself and what I’m capable of. I lay still and quiet for a while and listen hard. I don’t hear anything and it makes me even sadder. When I blow out the candle the smoke always swirls and rises, and I hope my bad thoughts go with it.”
I don’t know if I’ll ever actually publish any of these stories but maybe one day I’ll have the courage to do it. For now I have this blog anyway… and I’m okay with that for now. So I’ll keep writing, and hopefully you’ll keep reading.
RIP Rose Marie Brantman 1/17/29 – 2/12/04 I miss you in forever ways </3
So first things first: I’m a lover, not a fighter… okay, okay I’m lying! I can’t even say that without giggling. = ) I just like to be right is all, it’s not that I LOVE to fight or anything. (But there is SUCH a sense of victory in knowing I’m right and winning that fight, whether I’m actually right or the other person gave up because I’m THAT stubborn) Anyway, the point here is I don’t go looking for fights or anything and if I do it’s going to be a fight I KNOW I’ll win. So that being said, it’s my very sad duty to report that I lost a major battle this week with a wily, lone showerhead. Yes, that’s what I said – a showerhead!! A crafty, devious showerhead bent on destruction. You weren’t there… you don’t know!
I was visiting a cousin this week in an attempt to connect with my family and get away for a day or two. It was a great visit and I felt super relaxed after a very hectic holiday week. Before leaving I decided to of course bathe and was first struck dumb by the cunning bathtub’s mechanisms… I couldn’t figure out how to turn the dang thing on!! I turned this knob, adjusted that switch, even reached up to the removable showerhead. (I believe THAT is when I first challenged it to a duel!!) After sheepishly asking my cousin for help, the water was a-flowing.
Now we don’t need the scary movie shower scene scenario inserted here at all – sorry, that’s another kind of story altogether… BUT once I stepped into the shower I noticed the water was spraying from the showerhead a little funky. So I reached up to adjust it when it fell from its cradle. As it descended to the floor it shot blistering water at me burning my skin off. Okay I’m being melodramatic here – but that sucker was still hot! That vicious thing literally slithered like a snake spraying up at me. All I could do was stick out my arms and kick it. Now a smarter me would have just turned off the water, right? Well don’t forget this has all the makings of a classic Mei Mei Moment and of course that became the furtherest thing from my mind. I continuing to wrestle with this sneaky showerhead until I finally subdued it. The damage was done though… I meekly finished my shower and turned off the water, gently placing the head back in its cradle. (I didn’t want to further seek it’s wrath.)
My only solace to this disastrous loss? The amazing memory foam bath mat that caressed my feet when I stepped out the shower. I swear it was like stepping on a cloud!! It was almost like a parting gift of sorts. I stood there for a few moments, tending to my bruised ego and plotting my revenge.
Mark Twain once said “I thoroughly disapprove of duels. I consider them unwise and I know they are dangerous. Also, sinful. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet retired spot and kill him.” Oh yea, showerhead… it’s on!