Category Archives: Musings

Musings

Professional student status revoked

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I can’t even begin to describe how unbelievably elated I am that I am done with school! I slept like an effing baby this weekend. I took my last two finals Friday night and spent all day Saturday writing my last term paper. Saving things to the last minute is kind of my MO. I like to pretend I work best under pressure. I’ve yet to be proven wrong anyway. My whole world just shifted after clicking that “save” button one last time. I passed out hard after that and slept for hours.

Slowly my grades are coming in, but I guess I can’t officially say I’m a graduate yet… but I’m so much more calm these days. In addition to work and my crazy 8 year old, I was taking 4 classes and doing an internship. I don’t know what to do with my free time now. Dating? New project? BUCKET LIST!!! I’m going to end up causing way too much trouble either way. I do like the thought of coming home and not feeling guilty about turning on the TV though or having happy hour drinks with the co-workers.

I know I have to start researching my MBA or MS, but I have months to tackle that. In the meantime I am ready to rejoin society and happily turn in my student ID. Look out summer, Mei Mei is on the loose!

Musings

Invincible summer

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I’ve come to learn over time that falling out of love is just as liberating as finding love – it grants a freedom from the chains that love can create. Chains you were or weren’t even aware of. From the kind of love that suffocates and blinds a person. The type of love that only takes without a thought of giving. You never really realize just how much your own emotions can cripple you. How much joy it takes away, especially when you think you are the happiest you’ve ever been.

I’ve been lucky to find love, even if it was short lived or perhaps a pretty lie. At least in that moment I was elated. But I’ve also experienced heartache that completely shut me down. It’s amazing how in one minute love can create this moment of pure ecstasy that we wish would never leave us and then in the next becomes stifling and uncontrollable. Letting go gives us a strength that holding onto something can’t do. You see the world with fresh eyes, are aware of new possibilities. I want to dwell in the possibilities of life and not be narrowed by only seeing what’s just in front of me. I’m pretty excited to see what life has in store for me!

I think Albert Camus said it best: In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.

Musings

Maybe I should move to Canada, eh?

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It took me two years to take a vacation and I must say that regardless of my future situations, I fully plan on pulling aside time and money every year to go on a vacation. My mind is so at ease. (Even though finals are right around the corner.) My biggest concern during my trip was whether I was going to tan on the beach or by the pool that day, or if my brugal was going to be light or dark for that next drink.

I traveled to Punta Cana for the destination wedding of an old high school friend I was lucky to rekindle with 5 years ago. It was amazing, she was gorgeous and the tropical waters were healing. I have decided that this will be the LAST time I go there though – I’ve only traveled internationally three times, and it was always to the Dominican Republic. (People honestly need to pick a new place to get married dude, the second time I went was for a wedding as well.) I honestly believe that customs is going to eventually question my passport and think me a mule one of these days!

I literally spent the whole week just tanning, eating, drinking rum and sleeping. Even the beautiful island of DR didn’t want me to leave – the sun shone the ENTIRE time I was there, but the sky opened up and poured down on me as I checked out that morning. The past few days here in NY have been gloomy as well – you would think I was in London the way mother nature has been acting.

As I’ve said before I am a freakishly shy person. You can NOT take the opinions of my friends because they know me too well and I am far too comfortable with them at this point. But truth be told when I first meet a person, I probably won’t say hi to them or attempt to start a conversation. My flirting is quite awkward honestly. Now it could be the concept I’m on vacation (or the rum), but I’m just NOT a shy person when I go away. It’s like I’m a different person – I have no issue talking to people or dancing like a fool. (although I think I normally look like a fool when I dance anyway.) The island was COVERED with Canadians this whole week. Literally everywhere I went I saw either a Dominican or a Canadian. And I have to say, after meeting these Canadians, New York men better watch their back. They could take a lesson or two from Canadian men. It was SO NICE to talk to someone who actually wanted to TALK. They had to be the most genuine, friendly, respectful men I have ever met. And yes, I will say it: sexy! I met a Bradly Cooper body double and was completely lost in his blue eyes. Too bad he was short and lived in Vancouver.

Musings

Excuse me Sir, but you must be this tall to ride this ride!

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I hit the town this weekend with a few friends of mine – a house party in the city and a little bar hopping after. The pick up lines I encountered were pure hilarity. Please note that I do NOT give out bonus points for creativity… you MAY get a chuckle or two, but that’s about it. Although I guess that also depends at which point in the night you catch me and how many drinks in I am. So if, for example, you try picking me up on the subway on my way into the city, you’re more likely to just get the evil eyes. My girlfriend was a little more forgiving and friendly to that poor man than I was. Maybe she felt sorry… I’m thinking she wanted to see how far he was going to push it. But honestly… who opens with “Has anyone ever told you two look like the Kardashians?” I mean really? THAT’S what you’re going with? Even if that was true, that’s who you’re comparing me to? Vomit. Here’s the kicker: he then proceeded to ask me “I have to know, you’re not 17, are you?” Was that your way of checking if I was legal? Or your way of saying you wouldn’t care if I was that young? Double vomit in my mouth.

The night only got better and much more entertaining: “Have you ever partied in the desert?” Yes, he asked me that. Why no, I never partied in the desert. I actually like to be close to a water source, thank you. And in this day of technology and social media the concept of dating and flirting has completely changed. Instead of asking someone for their number, they want you to look them up (or stalk them) on Facebook. This same guy kept saying to me “you just don’t know about me, you have to friend me on Facebook, you just don’t know.” Um… gag. Call me old fashioned, but I like phone calls! I like hearing a ring tone and being excited because I know who’s calling me – having those three hour conversations about everything and nothing. I like smiling from ear to ear because I’m looking forward to hearing his voice. Now everything is contained to 140 characters and the posted pictures that chronic your life. No mystery, no more butterflies. I like the butterflies, I like being giddy. *SIGH*

Musings

When did I become an old lady??

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So I’m writing this from my couch… the couch I have been confined to since Tuesday. It seems typing with my fingers is the extend of what I’m capable of at the moment : /

I somehow pulled a muscle in my back and had one of those “I’ve fallen and can’t get up” moments. And sadly THAT is truly a Mei Mei Moment without question. I was literally trapped at a 90 degree angle with only my feet to stare at. You see people do this on sitcoms and laugh like how is that even possible. Well… I tell you people, it’s freaking possible!! I can not begin to describe how much it sucks not being able to stand up, to walk or move even an inch without a pain shooting through your body. That first night was AWFUL! I felt so helpless. I compared it to childbirth and desperately preferred reliving those 21 hours of labor my daughter put me through instead of what I was feeling. At least that pain ended when she was born. This has been nonstop.

My wonderful, wonderful doctor gave me this magical injection that worked for all of two hours. But it was two hours of pure heaven. So here I sit now with my trusty bag of frozen edamame and bottle of muscle relaxers. I hate that they make me so sleepy though – and that’s literally all I’ve done these past few days, SLEEP. But I was able to walk around a bit today. I attempted to take a test earlier… HA! I practically fell asleep halfway through and randomly guessed the rest of the answers before time ran out. I don’t know if I’ll be pleased or just plain confused if I score high on that exam… we shall see.

I have a new appreciation for the aging. And I seriously can’t wait until I’m able to go back to the gym. Hell, I can’t wait until I can walk around outside in the sun. Of course this would be the week mother nature decides to hit us with 60 degree weather. Man, she’s a bitch! How sad is it that I actually miss work?! I think that was the pills talking….

Musings

I don’t need to flirt, I will seduce you with my clumsiness ; )

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Klutz. Yes, that is me. MAJOR klutz. I trip over my own feet daily. I want to believe I meet the floor gracefully, but I know that’s not the case. I still maintain that chairs and shoes are simply bullies out to get me. I know exactly where I leave things on the floor and work out a maze to get through it… doesn’t always work, obviously someone moves things around…

It’s important to note… I have a strange fear of stairs. Well… not fear, but a paranoia for sure. More specifically I’m paranoid I will fall DOWN the stairs. EVERY single time I go down the stairs, I literally picture myself plummeting to the floor. Experience has taught me this fear, and quite appropriately I must say. I’ve fallen down a flight of stairs five times in my lifetime (that I can remember anyway). The first two times resulted in an eye patch, and then a leg brace. YOU try walking up and down four flights of stairs in a damn leg brace everyday! I managed to somehow escape death for years until I was about 5 months pregnant. I was rushing to a job interview and fell down, down, down…… I like to think I’m super mom, because the next time I fell was on the subway stairs while carrying my hummer of a stroller – I somehow managed to turn my body and have the stroller fall ON me. (But hooray, my nena was saved.) My last fall happened at work a few years ago, and that one was in front of a large group of people. >: /

Well today was noooo exception to the rule. You know how they say “don’t text and drive”? Yea, well apparently there’s a Mei Mei add-on: “don’t text and walk.” I crashed face first into the concrete wall in my apartment building. At the very least I stuck my arms out and spared myself any bruising. Fun, fun, fun!! Sad part?? It’s because I “missed” the non existent step at the bottom of the stairs. To keep up the trend of face whacking, a bare tree branch bitch slapped me today too. And this in not my first altercation with tree branches mind you. I was backpacking in Idaho (yea, I know, Idaho…) and a tree branch almost took out my eye. I had to wear YET ANOTHER eye patch for the rest of that trip. It’s no fun having someone tap you on the shoulder and you end up turning around in circles because you can’t find them in your blind spot.

My clumsiness is not going anywhere I fear, so I embraced it along with my quirkiness. I like to think that it’s a part of my charm… that maybe someone even finds it incredibly sexy! = D Yea, well, whatever…

Musings

Where did all the booze go?!

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I can not seriously enough stress the PERFECT timing of Lent! There’s a few things (notions, thoughts, people…) I NEED to let go of. I’ve been pretty self destructive and unhealthy lately, and very unhappy… and it caused others to become a bit tainted themselves. I will be the first to admit I haven’t been thinking so clearly lately and have been rationalizing my bad behavior away. I can make a good argument for anything, especially when my pride refuses to let me admit I’m wrong. But yes, after very careful thinking I’ve come up with a vice list… eek. Without writing out the full list (can’t share ALL my weaknesses!!) I’ve decided finally on alcohol… YES, ALL alcohol consumption. I was going to originally just go with wine, but come on… that’s pretty weak. So for the next 46 days I will NOT drink any alcohol… *heavy breath out*

I toyed with the idea of soda, take out, shoe shopping or even Facebook. I seriously considered coffee for a while, but I also need to be tolerable over the next few weeks so that’s a BIG, fat no no. I even contemplated swearing off men and all that that implies, but that’s highly laughable… I figured God still wants me to find love = ) So yea, alcohol. My biggest challenge will probably be one of my best gal’s bachelorette party and St. Patrick’s Day (come on, I AM Irish after all!!). But I think it’ll be good for me. A few weeks ago I swore off any self pity parties… and then just threw myself a HUGE week long bash that ended with a new tattoo. Not exactly therapeutic, I know. Sometimes you just want to numb the pain. After last week, I need to refocus on myself and I think not drinking will help de-cloud my thoughts. Although I must admit I LOVE my new tattoo. It’s my third and definitively not my last. I got the phrase “alis volat propriis”, which is Latin for “she flies with her own wings” done on my shoulder.

ANYWAY, if my daughter can give up her beloved Pop Tarts… I think I can manage this. Besides, the week after Easter I’m going to soaking up the sun in Caribbean anyway ; )

Musings

Who’s thinking of YOU?

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I’ve been rather nostalgic and reminiscent this week – losing something close to your heart has that effect on you. It makes you think of everything you have and don’t have anymore. You get a sense of longing, as though you need to fill some empty space.

I broke out the yearbook and photo albums and just flipped through, thinking back to some of the best times of my life… and of course the most heartbreaking ones. I came across this one photo though that really caught my attention. In it I’m laughing, just with my friends doing nothing too special. But in the background is someone who is just watching our group. I don’t mean in a creeper kind of way – It’s almost like he’s just curious or something. Like he’s wondering what’s so funny. Anyway, I don’t recognize him at all. It makes me wonder how many people out there right now thinking of someone, and maybe that person doesn’t even know it.

Sometimes we’re so caught up in our own stuff that we just don’t look around. Someone could be in love with you right now, or appreciate you because you changed their lives, or maybe is envious of you. Everyday we meet someone new, but we decide if that person will somehow become part of our lives – or just a background image in a photo. It’s pure chance the people that enter our lives and the choices me make determine how big a role they will play. I’ve made some pretty shit head choices for sure, but I also made some AMAZING ones as well. I can never get over how truly blessed I am to have my small circle. Even in my deepest depression or darkest hour, they know how to pull me out. They erase the memory of the sucky choices, or at least the pain of it.

We all have people from our past that find a way to resurface in our minds every so often. And with them come bittersweet memories, anger or even hope. The only thing that really bums me out is thinking of the people that touched my world so briefly that I’ll probably never have anything to do with again. Not everyone is meant to stay in your life. They have their purpose, even if it’s not the same as our original intentions. I try not to regret any of my choices because they slowly define me. They teach me to be the kind of person I want to become or about creating the kind of love that’ll make it all worth it. We all hope though that the people we think of are thinking of us too

Musings

Where is Mei Mei?

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Ahh, I’m here. I’ve just been off daydreaming for a couple of weeks, especially today. Wishful thinking even, maybe? Either way, I’m here – I’ve not gone into hiding. Not yet anyway. I think at some point in our lives, we’re all due for a little “running away” action. I don’t think we ever grow up from that notion. I’m not going to pack a teddy bear and join the circus or anything like that – although I’ll admit, that would be pretty damn cool. And I still have trips to the Dominican Republic and the Bahamas to look forward to. No I’m being an adult about things… and focusing my current attentions on the bottle on wine sitting next to my laptop. Don’t worry, I’m only a couple of glasses in… I won’t admit to any more.

No, I’m here and probably not going anywhere for a while. Being an adult does not always afford that kind of luxury I guess. Tonight’s distraction was yoga with a new instructor. I swear that woman has no bones because damn it, the body shouldn’t bend like that! She actually came over to me and guided me into a couple of poses, and I’m proud to report I can do the sarvangasana (shoulder stand) now. Whoo hoo me. YES, whoo hoo me!!

But now I’m home and it’s all too quiet. I’m not sad because it’s Valentine’s Day (yay for you lovers out there!) I just don’t celebrate it anymore. Eight years ago my grandmother passed away on Vday. She was more than my grandmother, she was my mother. She saved me when I needed it the most – quite literally I might add. And on days when I still need saving, she’s the first person I think of. I’m just sad today. I really miss her, I mean that’s all this really is. I wish sometimes that we didn’t cremate her because I just want there to be a place I can go to visit her. A place to lay still while I bullshit with her. I went to church today to light a candle, but it’s not the same.

Missing her is not like missing the other people in my life. I miss people everyday. I wish I wasn’t so busy so I could miss them less. I would hope we all have enough love in our lives that we have people we can miss. I miss my best friend who only lives 30 mins away, but our lives are so hectic that we don’t get to see each other half as much as we should. I miss the first REAL important man in my life – my best guy friend who’s probably in Japan right now or off having some other adventure. He’s the one that shakes the silly notions out of my head and gives it to me straight. Thank God for modern technology because I literally see that man only once every other year. I miss my boys who have become my lifeline. Whoever said men and women can’t be friends without sex complicating it, obviously never experienced an amazing friendship like ours. I miss my girls in a big bad way. We dance into the night without a care in the world and curse anyone who tries to bring us down. I miss the guy I’m kinda, sorta seeing. It may not be some epic love story, but I miss him still the same. But none of that compares to just how much I miss her. My heart literally breaks whenever I think of her. I wish I could remember where I heard this but: missing someone isn’t about how long it has been since you’ve seen them or the amount of time since you’ve talked… It’s about that very moment when you’re doing something and wishing they were right there with you.

Tomorrow will be a better day. And tomorrow I’ll be a much happier person. We’re all allowed these moments, as long as we find a way to bounce back from them. I know even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. But I still have to get through tonight.

Musings

And you say I’M a bad driver?

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The road and I are NOT friends. I don’t pretend that eventually it will love me, even if I do find solace with it. Street lights and stop signs do not like me, pot holes always find me, dead ends seem to be everywhere, side mirrors leap out at every turn (I only slightly swipe them), and those yellow lines zig zag on purpose teasing me. It doesn’t take a genius to realize I’m the worst kind of driver. Welllll…. that’s not true… I’m fantastic, assuming of course there are no other cars or silly things like people in my way. But let’s face it, I’m from New York – so that’s wishful thinking. Just like finding a rent controlled apartment on the upper east side or a parking spot in under five minutes near the bars. (I actually ROCK at parking!!) As a matter of fact, I’m actually quite a passive driver and have no issues with it taking me an hour to go only 10 miles. Oh, you wanna pass me? Go right ahead! I see you gunning up behind me – feel free to cut me off, no worries.

I never even had the desire to get a driver’s license, not really. I’m a city gal through and through. This city, for all it’s faults, has a pretty good mass transportation system. Straphangers may complain constantly, but at least it’s 24 hours a day. Whenever I decide to wreck havoc on the lower east side now, I have to run drink in hand to catch the last train north at 2am or troop it out until 5:30. It wasn’t until a couple of years ago when my boyfriend agreed to let me drive us home that I ever even considered learning. That fool. Yea, after only a few blocks me made me pull over and promised I would never touch the steering wheel again until I got my license. Yea, well who’s laughing now?? New York state hands out driver’s licenses like candy!

BUT just because my driving skills are lacking, that is no excuse for other people who have been driving for years. Someone needs to please explain to me why everyone I ride with tries to kill me! I’ve gotten much better about screaming out every time a truck inches towards me, ask my best friend – I’ve given her more than enough heart attacks over the years. I’ve worked it down to quiet gasps during which I seal my eyes shut. (Because we all know that when we close our eyes, it’s like it’s not happening. Think back to your childhood when you hid under the blankets – anything that wanted to kill us was gone instantly.) But I’m not talking about my own freak reactions here. Just over the past two weeks, TWO people have gone down a one way street IN THE WRONG DIRECTION. I mean, do I really annoy people that much that they are willing to risk their own lives to off me?? Don’t answer that! The point being, there has to be some kind of bad driver aura I give out that other people absorb. What other explanation is there that I am constantly watching the headlines of an oncoming car bearing down on the passenger door.

So with that being said, I’m giving fair notice to all Westchester drivers… I fully plan on buying a car this Spring. How else am I going to tame the road? I guarantee you though, we WILL be best friends by summer’s end.